Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

I don't care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling then the world will have peace.'

`People talk peace. But men give their life's work to war. It won't stop 'til there is as much brains and scientific study put to aid peace as there is to promote war.'

`Take diplomacy out of a war and the thing would fall flat in a week.'

`You can be killed just as dead in an unjustified war as you can in one protecting your own home.'

`People don't change under governments. Governments change. People remain the same.

'Nowadays it is about as big a crime to be dumb as it is to be dishonest.'

`Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.'

`Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.'

`My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they met the boat.'

`Comedians haven't improved. Nothing has improved but taxes.'

`Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what's the matter. He's just got to know.'

`No man is great if he thinks he is.'

`It's great to be great, but its greater to be human.'

`America is a land of opportunity and don't ever forget it.'

`People are marvelous in their generosity if they just know the cause is there.'

`I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.'

`Don't gamble. Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it til it goes up then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.'

`Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept but they can be understood.'

`Statistics have proven there are twenty five bath tubs sold to every Bible.'

`We'll hold the distinction of being the only Nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile.'

`We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.'

They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it.'

`Everybody is ignorant. Only on different subjects.'

Copyright � 1994, Will Rogers Memorial Archives

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